No Chance!!!....Of This Being a Satisfying Ending
(28 people interfered in a Stone Cold/ Vince Mcmahon match)
Storytelling: 3/5 Stars
Match Quality: 1/5 Stars
Finish: 4/5 Stars
Winner: 1/5 Stars
Extracurriculars: 2/5 Stars-wouldve been a 1 if not for the crowd
TOTAL: 11/25 Stars
Great Moment You May Have Forgotten: Chyna being the first women to compete in a Rumble match, and eliminates Mark Henry seemingly easily.
Moment You Wish You Weren't Reminded Of: Can I just pick any moment between Golga entering to Bossman being eliminated? There's a ton of just bizarre sheepish stuff.
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Now comes the Rumble that is hard to look at in a fair perspective because it was the Attitude Era and we all enjoy our favorite characters on the Wrestlemania 2000 video game roster. But let's be honest, this was never a good Rumble match. In a match designed to build superstars, showcase some of the lesser talent, and surprise us, we really just had some awful ideas and lopsided wrestlers wrapped around the biggest rivalry at the time and maybe ever. Before we dive into the true battle of the Rumble, lets look through some of the filth.
First off, hats off to the front row of the crowd in this match, they might be the MVPs of this show. When/if you decided to watch, you see some great in sync crowd gestures that makes going to a live show like no other event.
This Rumble featured a lot of names you've only heard of around 1999 and for good cause. There was Golga (who the announcers failed to mention that he's actually former Rumble runner up, Earthquake! But I digress), Tiger Ali Singh (just racist enough gimmick to remind you how great WWE PR is), Gilberg (oy), Kurrgan (Dressed like a 1940's football player meets a 1960's hippie), Droz (Although the gimmick was bad, this was his last Rumble for another unfortunate reason), Gangrel, Dan Severn, the Blue Meanie, and Mark Henry in his Sexual Chocolate experience. Their appearances all went exactly as you'd expect.
There was also a lot of awful intermediate story lines that weren't the big one. There's Mabel knocking out Mosh to get in for some reason, then being abducted by the Ministry to become Viscera in a 5 minute interlude, even though its only 90 seconds between entrances. There's Kane who, after clearing house (again), he eliminates himself because some white coat people take him to an insane asylum...I'm just gonna stop typing this because I don't remember the story but it's probably stupid. There's Al Snow being Al Snow. And honestly the list just goes on. This was a Rumble that had multiple times where the ring was empty and more attention to backstage events occurred. It's Russo at his finest.
Thrilling action from the 1999 Rumble match.
But alas, the big story was and was always going to be Austin v. McMahon. When Vince came out in his scary jacked body with nipples that do not look...and probably are not...natural, we knew it was gonna be a slobberknocker. And they did this story right for the most part, from leaving Austin to be ambushed by hired goons (hired goons?) to Vince on commentary (probably his best commentary ever). Even when Austin clearly committed grant theft ambulance and returned to the ring, the psychology between the two was great. Austin slowly eliminated the competition, including a game HHH for foreshadowing down the line. He even had fun throwing water in Vince's face while others tried to vie for 100,000 dollars and elimination glory (Really, no wrestler wanted this bounty. I don't care if it's face or heel, everyone has a price!). Eventually, after throwing out 3rd place winner Big Bossman (yea that happened), it was down to Austin and McMahon again, just like we always knew it would be.
Now I have a hard time separating the idea that Vince won from the fact that Vince won. The idea of how it ended, from the Rock interfering to the post match celebration beers, is good. But the fact that the 53 year old owner of the company won the Rumble is a joke. I know that it fits into the eventual story that was Wrestlemania 15, but there are many other roads they could've gone to get there. Austin winning was still an option, even if they felt they booked him into a corner after winning 97 and 98. They could have a rising name, say HHH, win, and through shenanigans have him turn heel and lose it to Austin and maybe set up HHH v. Big Show, or something like that. Plus that helps Kurt Angle win the 2002 Rumble. I'm just rambling at this point, but there are other ways to go than have a man who should not be winning the match for a Wrestlemania bid win the match.
It's kind of hilarious to watch this match knowing the characters and way things went down, so you can watch it here with an open mind, or open bottle of liquor. (Again, apologies if it doesn't work). But if you think Vince winning was bad, tomorrow looks at a winner so terrible, I choose to use his alternate persona during the entire piece rather than his official wrestling name. Stay tuned.
