Some Matches are Best Left Silent!
(The Rumble where Yokozuna was unceremoniously thrown out...by Yokozuna)
Storytelling: 3/5 Stars
Match Quality: 2/5 Stars
Finish: 3/5 Stars
Winner: 4/5 Stars
Extracurricular: 1/5 Stars...Mostly Vince, but he had help.
TOTAL: 13/25 Stars
Great Moment You May Have Forgotten: We'll cover this later on, but if I had to give the MVP to someone other than Michaels, it was Jerry Lawler with the best strategy ever employed.
Moment You Wish You Weren't Reminded Of: After Vader is eliminated, he goes on a tirade and eliminated Michaels and the others. Ignoring the fact that the WWE has never come to a consensus on how to handle this situation, he failed to throw Owen Hart over the top rope, so technically Owen should be the only one in the ring who is not eliminated....right?
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Some matches are best left seen and not heard, this is the prime example of such a match.
On the surface, the 1996 Royal Rumble was a vast improvement over 1995. (Of course, an evening gown match between Patterson and Brisco is a vast improvement over 1995, so that's not saying much). Sure there was a lot of fluff and almost as many awful competitors you've never heard of, but the big story they told was great and it elicited some great moments and rising stars in between. So what made this Rumble so low on this list?
Anything having to do with audio.
For starters, let's look at the coup de grace that is Vince Mcmahon. I've always had my qualms about his announcing, but it appeared that on this night he must've been slipped a Cosby Quaalude (too soon?) and gone into full out atrocity. While Heel Michael Cole is bad in the sense that it is an immediate train crash, Vince is like knowing the train is going to crash in 2 hours and having to sit next to Abe Simpson for those two hours. Countless inaccurate facts, poorly timed excitement of superstars, and excruciating moments of "He's out, no wait he's not, yes he is, no wait, yes he is!" Normally, he is complemented by semi-qualified heel announcing to neutralize him, but there was something off about Mr. Perfect that day as well that ruined any continuity that we were used to in days of Gorilla and Jesse/Heenan.
As if announcing wasn't bad enough, listen to every wrestler's entrance music. It's a smorgesbord of slightly offensive racial stereotyping music played in the cheapest way possible. I had to pause and laugh for 3 minutes following the entrance of Barry Horowitz, and that was before he even got into the ring.
All that aside, it's a mediocre Rumble match that had its positives and negatives. Unfortunately, we were still in the New Generation Era, so here's a list of some wrestlers to appear in this match: Henry O' Godwinn, Takao Omari, Savio Vega, Doug Gilbert, The Squat Team Members (who, apart from arguably being the worst wrestlers in the ring, took a brutal beating from the stupidity of Vince and Perfect on audio), Aldo Montoya, Tatanka, Barry Horowitz, outdated Dory Funk Jr., Dr. Issac Yankem (yea that guy), and at number thirty and a serious threat, Duke the Dumpster Droese. So yea that's about 1/3 of the line up filling space.
But it wasn't all bad unlike other Rumbles on this list. HHH, Bob Holly, Owen Hart, and some guy called the Ringmaster, despite stupid gimmicks, put in a nice showing of what they would soon bring in the years to come. The brawl between Yokozuna and Mable was fun, followed by the one between Yokozuna and Vader. A host of other wrestlers had a few nice storylines to attribute to feuds, such as whatever name Sean Waltman was using against Razon Ramon, high-flying Hakushi, and perennial Rumble contender Fatu.
But there really were two great things about this Rumble that puts it a step ahead of other garbage before. The first was Jerry Lawler. After Jerry was being his usually jerk self, Jake "The Snake" Roberts came in and did his trademark snake scaring bit and scared everyone out of the ring. Lawler, ever the cunning strategist as he is, hid under the ring for 30 minutes! Again, if there was no Vince constantly reminding us of the fact that he is under the ring, this would've been much better, but I made my case already for his struggles to announce.
The other is clearly and obviously Dory Funk Jr, I mean Shawn Michaels. From a story stand point, it was pretty obvious he was going to win, with Diesel as maybe the lone exception otherwise. But compare it to 2014 or 2015, this is the right choice to win and the way to go about it. He comes in hot, eliminates a few superstars, and singlehanded threw out Yokozuna and Vader at the same time! He then catches slimy Lawler and shows him what's what. He continues to do his whole "I'm about to be eliminated from competition" shtick and stays alive, eventually eliminating British Bulldog, watches Diesel eliminate Godfather Kama, bides his time, and then BOOM!!! SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!! Diesel is out and Michaels once again sets his eye on the eventual boyhood dream. The post match celebration, complete with full moons and handshakes, is also fun to watch. All in all, it wasn't a terrible story to tell surrounding by terrible circumstances and the worst announcing I've arguably ever heard.
Do yourself a favor and watch the match on mute, you'll probably enjoy it more. The next 3 Rumbles all received the same score, and are won by the three biggest names, at least according to the WWE's perspective, of the last decade. Which match received the slightly lower nod? Find out tomorrow.
